“New Website raydar.com.au lauches from Australia with some exclusive prison correspondence from Michael Alig, Drano killer. The interview, conducted through the mail by Danny Corvini, is not new–the Party Monster movie hadn’t even been shot yet–but it’s exhaustive, covering the gamut of usual Alig topics: club kids, New York parties, family, boyfriends, drugs, and sex in prison,” — WORLD OF WONDER
MICHAEL ON… HIS INFLUENCES AND INSPIRATIONS
“I was inspired by the Old Guard of NYC nightlife at the time: Andy Warhol, Michael Musto, Rudolf, Diane Brill, Sister Dimension, John Sex. These people seemed magical 2 me. Like some sort of crazy character actors, always in character, living life the way I’d always wanted 2, like it was some kind of game. Early on I met Keith Haring because my best friend from school, a porn star named Ludovic, was dating him. Of course, Haring wasn’t really all that famous at the time. But he was locally famous, which, 4 me, was just as good. I was introduced 2 clubland thru that scene. Warhol was a huge influence. But he was almost 2 famous. I never in a million years thought I’d ever get 2 meet him. I set my sights way, way lower. I didn’t think what I was starting would ever become a scene in itself. I was just hoping to be accepted by the existing scene. The thought of replacing that scene never even crossed my mind… at first. It was just too fantastic a notion. I would’ve been plenty happy 2 have just not been spat upon whenever I entered a club! [Michael draws a smiley face] Probably my top priority was to try and convince the Old Guard that the Club Kids were the Next Big Thing. It was my mission. My driving force. I don’t think I ever fully achieved it. There are plenty of Old Guarders who still think of us as the young whippersnappers. But eventually most of them disappeared and we did come of age. To me, tho, the Old Guard continues to seem kind of mythical and magical simply because I was never a part of it. I’m sure younger kids who are coming on the scene now might see us as the Old Guard, which really seems outrageous to me. But it makes sense, I guess. That’s the way it goes… I think I was a positive role model in some ways. Not all ways, of course. But I get so many letters from kids, young people who feel differently, like outcasts, in a way, in their small towns or wherever, and who tell me I’ve shown them “another way”, that it isn’t bad or wrong to be different, rather it can be better. And that makes me feel good. That was my message all along. Warhol did inspire me, of course, but I think I was more inspired by Leigh Bowery, actually. No one has ever inspired me more than Leigh. In fact, it was Leigh who first inspired me to go to NYC to look at schools. I’d seen a fashion spread of him in i-D in like 1982 and I couldn’t believe my eyes. He didn’t even seem human! Of the Warhol scene, though, I was more inspired by Edie Sedgewick. I was drawn to the dichotomy, of tragedy and beauty that surrounded her. I wanted to be her.”
… ON BECOMING A CLUB PROMOTER
“Ironically, it was James who helped me get started, however unknowingly. I used him 2 meet his friends — people like Musto and Sally Randall, the reigning “It Girl” of the time, and Anita, a deejay and MC at Danceteria, and Andy Anderson, one of the top promoters at Danceteria. Andy was the one who gave me tips on how to become a promoter, how to go about putting a party together, etc. I know the Pop Tarts say it was them. And they did help, too. But originally, it was Andy. The first party I threw was meant to be a place for others like me 2 get together — the freaks of society, people who didn’t fit in anywhere.. there’s safety in numbers, you know… This is why I get so upset when people accuse me or the club kids of being snobby or elitist — I mean, of course we were, to a point. That’s what clubland is about. It wouldn’t be possible to have fabulosity without a certain level of elitism. But — our kind of elitism was about giving power and privilege to a group of people who were/are generally without power and privilege in society — the freaks and the outcasts. I take great offence when people accuse us of being snobs. We were anti-snobs. A lot of people didn’t understand or “get” the fact that, at least originally, the whole “celebrity”, famous-for- being-famous thing was a joke. A satire. A lot of people took it as face value.”
… ON SUCCESS, DARLING
“I think I’d pin my success down to tenacity. I just refused to give up! That actually is the key, I think. When something doesn’t work, you have 2 do something else, then something else. Eventually, through sheer persistence and enthusiasm, you’ll succeed by virtue or outlasting everyone else!”
…ON THE CLUB KID MOVEMENT
“I did think it might go on forever and constantly evolve into something new. That’s what we’d been doing for years — from acid house to techno to drag to rave to whatever. We just kept changing, embodying whatever was coming out of clubland at the time. We were a kind of “trend conduit”, I suppose, introducing new ideas 2 the mainstream thru our personalities. Lots of people write me telling me how the Club Kids have given them inspiration or made them feel like it was OK to be themselves — if there was ever a statement I was trying to convey and if anything we did ever made a difference in anyone’s life, I think that’s what it was. Giving people the opportunity to become even more of what they already are.”
… ON MADONNA AND HIS FAMOUS PATRONS
“I met Madonna a few times but was never really impressed or inspired by her. I guess by then she was too big a star and no longer doing anything really original. Madonna was always taking other people’s ideas and repackaging them as her own — I was more interested in the people who had the original ideas. For example, the voguers of Harlem interested me more than Madonna, who made a hit of their dance with Vogue. Diane Brill… She was and is a goddess, if you ask me. The epitome of the all-American beauty queen, all boobs and personality. Also she was a big fag hag in clubland, always surrounded by the queens, which made her, in my eyes, even more cool. She “legitimised” us, in a way. She was the woman all the men wanted, and yet she wanted to be with us and not them. It was.. empowering, in a way. Kier (Miss Kier from Deee-Lite)… I don’t think Kier really cared much for me and my crew. I don’t know why, exactly… we hired her as a go-go dancer all the time, always hired Dmitry to DJ. We were always getting into … um… having difficulty, I’d guess you’d say.. with them because their guests wouldn’t get into the club all the time and they’d call us racists — and they had a point. The owners of the clubs weren’t always so excited to let in homeboys and thuggish types, and a lot of their crowd was like that. I, of course, LOVED the homeboys, etc, but the owners never did, and so there’d be… “difficulties” as I said. I was always lumped in with the “greedy and racist club owners” because I worked for them. Like I said, I do see their point. But I don’t agree that it was as bad as they say it was.”
…ON BEHAVING BADLY
“No, No, No. NO! I did not take pleasure in humiliating those that came 2 the club. Not at all! Where did this idea come from? The Club Kids weren’t about that, Danny. (I asked him about the incident where he urinated over a balcony onto a bartender, pee-ing into people’s Gatorades, etc.) We were all-inclusive. As long as you had an open mind, you could be a part of what we were doing. True, sometimes, maybe lots of times, people were refused or rejected at the door. And if they were assholes or homophobes or whatever, then yes, maybe we’d take pleasure in humiliating them. Otherwise, no way. The peeing-in- a-drink thing is so overrated. If I did it 3 x in 10 years, I’d be shocked. Yes, I was always peeing in my own cups, or on the floor, but VERY RARELY did I ever pee in a cup and allow someone to try and drink it. I can only think of two occasions, actually. And both times I was drunk, out-of- my-mind- sloshed. And they were both dares, really. Group efforts. A bunch of us would be drunk, someone would dare me to do it, and that would be that. Once something like that’s been set in motion, it’s difficult to stop it. I suppose ultimately I would’ve liked it if someone else would’ve stopped me before they drank it — that way everyone would say, “I know Michael, and he really would’ve done it, but someone stopped him”. It was a kid of performance, I suppose. I was drunk with all the attention and that, at the time, was what mattered. I have to say, though, I never, ever did it on my own or out-of- the-blue. There were always at least 10 or 15 others who were egging me on and going along with it — accomplices, I guess you’d call them. Ultimately, though, it was my doing. And for that, I am ashamed. I can’t even imagine doing something like that while sober. Demon Rum! It’s your worst enemy! [inserts a smiley face here]”
…ON HIS FAVOURITE (AND NOT SO FAVOURITE) PARTIES
“Favourite party — I guess it’d have to be one of the Outlaw parties. Those were always the most “real” parties because we didn’t have to worry about drawing a crowd or making a club happy. We played our own music and we did it on our own terms. For us, Outlaw parties were a way to thumb our nose at the more established clubs and say “we don’t need you.” One of my favourite Outlaws was held once a month in an abandoned boathouse on the Hudson River where you had to crawl thru a hole in the wall to get to. We’d set up a bar, a thousand candles in glasses, music… everyone dressed elegantly and crawling into an abandoned building. I loved that. The dichotomy: crumbling buildings / elegance. Most stressful would definitely be the 10-year- club party I organised in ’95. It was meant to be a “homage” to all the old guards, the ones who survived clubland for 10 years or more. And it was a recipe for disaster from the get-go. A party for all the people who’d ever hated me and my scene! I didn’t know what I could’ve been thinking, actually. Well, yes, I do. I wanted to show them. I wanted them to see how successful I’d become in spite of them naysaying. It really was awful, though. Everyone knew how important it was for me to have them there and for them it was just an opportunity to exact a long-awaited retribution — charging us two, three or four hundred dollars apiece just to show up, then bitching all night, “Where’s my money?!” Complaining about the dinner, etc. Then there were fights all night between the Club Kids (who hadn’t been invited to the dinner and were, understandably, put off at having these old nobodies infiltrate their territory) and the old nobodies who looked down their noses at the Club Kids. By the end of the “party”, nobody was speaking to me. It had ended up costing something like $30,000 and caused nothing but ill-will. For everyone.”
…ON MACAULAY CULKIN
“It’s funny you mentioned Macaulay cuz he was just here a few days ago 2 discuss the movie, his/my character. I hope he knows what he’s doing. He seemed like he did, like he “gets it”. His mannerisms and hand gestures are very much like mine. Unless he was just mocking me! Mac has a twisted sense of humour, which is necessary 2 play this part, I think. I just hope they don’t exaggerate too much — I mean, the film is going 2 be a dark comedy. That means they’ll have all sorts of leeway to parodies things, you know what I mean? Mac swears he isn’t going to camp it up that much, that there will be some sad and real scenes.”
…ON THE REST OF THE CAST
“I don’t know who Seth Green is.. But Mac says he’s good. I’m not surprised at the casting. They’ve been working with Mac for like 3 years now, waiting for him to grow into the part, basically. So I was expecting it. Marilyn Manson as Christina is genius. But not as genius as Chloe Sevigny as Gitsy. That’s perfect!!”
…ON PARTY MONSTER
“I was surprised when he told me the whole saga of my first boyfriend/love in high school is in the film. It’s a tragic/pathetic story where he leaves me and I try 2 kill myself. Then, later on, like 13 years later, I’m all high on Rohypnol and I decided 2 call him out of the blue and see if I can’t “patch things up” (Don’t laugh — you know how Rohypnol is!). Anyway, it’s this big dramatic scene and I was shocked 2 hear it’s in the film. I haven’t seen the script.. yet. They say it’s “in the mail”. So I should see it in a day or so. I’ll feel much better after I read it. At least I think I will! I hope I will! I may feel even worse. Who knows. It all depends upon how realistic it is. James says it’s a “work of fiction”, that I won’t even recognise my own character. But he always exaggerates. As for the movie, no, I’ve had very little input. World of Wonder hasn’t really come to me for anything and neither has James. They’ve made the movie the way they wanted to, and everytime I tried to say “It didn’t happen that way,” or “This is wrong” they ignore me! “It’s better for the movie this way,” they’ll say. “It’ll make more sense this way.” Some characters have been eliminated altogether, or “combined” to make one character. Like my boss, Rudolf, was combined into Pete’s character because “it was better for the movie”. I guess they know what they’re doing.”
…ON BEING A JAIL BIRD
“Reality has sunken in since I’ve been here. Boy, has it ever! I still laugh and joke about it, though. That’s always been the way I deal with things that upset or scare me. I laugh at them or make them into a joke. I’ve always been like that. It’s the only way I can get through the bad/rough times… without losing my mind completely. Sometimes — many times, actually — I just lie here in bed and cry. Or worry about the future. How things will be. If I’ll ever get over this awful hurdle. If my life will ever be livable again. Ever since that day I’ve had this horrible lump in my stomach that hasn’t gone away. Whatever I’m doing — reading, exercising, listening to the radio, whatever — it’s there as a constant reminder. I wonder if it’ll be there always. Otherwise, I’m surviving alright. I get a lot of mail so at least I’m not without something new to read every day. I love getting / answering mail. Whenever I think I’m slipping too far away or feeling sorry for myself, I think of Angel and his family. And then I don’t feel quite as bad. I feel rather lucky, actually, to be alive. What I miss most: Human contact. Intelligent conversations (Jailhouse conversations seem to all center around guns, “bitches”, and rap music!). Hugs from friends. FOOD! Touching other people without fear of being misunderstood (ie brushing up against a friend and them not thinking you’re trying to pick their pocket or grab their dick). Romance (that does happen in here, tho not quite often enough 4 me!). And of course, I miss making an entrance! [inserts a smiley face] I get regular visitors. Old friends. Keoki. Jennytalia. Karliin. Sylvie. Larry. Sometimes people who don’t know me will visit. That’s fun, too. It’s a nice bit of “out there” brought “in here”. I like that. I have a lot of contact w/ my mom. We write like 3 times a week. James writes me looooong letters, less often. Keoki is sporadic, as usual, in his writing. He’ll write me 3 times one week, then I won’t hear from him for 6 months. Right now he’s in a relationship — he’s married, actually — with a boy named Alfio. So I haven’t heard from him in a bit. Randy and Fenton (the directors of Party Monster) had dinner w/ Keoki last month and he said he wanted 2 come see me. So we’ll see. Keoki has always been big on plans, small on action. It does hurt when he does that. But I know he doesn’t mean it in a bad way. He’s just being Keoki. Well, I’m eligible for parole in 2006. But everyone says no one ever makes their first parole board. So, maybe 2007? 2008? I don’t think it’ll be much later than that. I’m trying 2 be good in here. So we’ll just have 2 wait and see!”
…ON FEELING SICK WITH GUILT
“How am I feeling at the time? Well, as always, I’m feeling a little nervous and queasy. My stomach is always in knots — no matter what I do — if I’m listening 2 the radio or reading a book or writing a letter, it’s always the same. Part of it is guilt, of course. I’ve had this feeling in my gut ever since I became sober enough to really reflect over my past. It’s painful, really. pretty sad. Physically, there’s been something wrong w/ me — seriously wrong — for almost 2 years. I have a growing area of numbness in my groin area that keeps getting worse and worse — and the doctor here is terribly homophobic. He refuses to examine me or allow me 2 see an outside specialist. I’m very worried about that. I have a lawyer working on the case right now but it’s a legal aid lawyer because I’ve no money. So that just adds to my anxiety. I’m afraid whatever is wrong with me may be permanent or serious.”
A few months later…
“How am I feeling now, you ask? Well, I’m still a bit down about my medical condition. Still no one has seen me and I’ve got blood in my urine… the nurse gave me antibiotics today, says it must be an infection. But they still aren’t letting me see a doctor. So I’m pretty put off by that. Otherwise, I got a time out for good behaviour last week, which means I’ll be transferred to a nicer, more lenient facility where, hopefully, I’ll be able to see a doctor. I don’t know if it’s a result of the infection or what, but lately I’ve just been so depressed and unmotivated. Haven’t written much, etc.”
And later still…
“Now that the holidays are over I’m doing better, I guess. For a while I was pretty down. New Year’s especially, hit me hard, as it usually does, what with everyone kissing their love interests and being close to someone special at midnight. It was pretty sad for me. I guess that’s the whole point of being where I am, tho. It isn’t supposed to be comforting. Tomorrow I’m supposed to meet with the person who’s going to make the appointment with a doctor — finally, after over 2 years! That’s probably a big part of my depression, the fact that I’m afraid what’s wrong with me may be serious or permanent. It’s all I think about, really, night and day. I know I shouldn’t be complaining… I’m alive. That’s the way I try and look at it.”
…ON SEX, LOVE & HAVING FRIENDS BEHIND BARS
“Have I met any real friends in here? Well, not “real” in the sense that… um… actually, yes, I have. I’ll admit, it’s difficult in here to meet “real” friends, as everyone seems to be out for himself. But every once in a while you’ll come across a real person. I’ve met a couple of real people. Unfortunately, none of them are at the facility I’m at now! When I was at another facility I met a boy named Mike who I feel deeply in love with. I’d watch him in the mess hall and think 2 myself, “If only I could meet someone like that, then I’d be happy. I wouldn’t even mind being in jail!” And a few days later he was transferred to my company, where my cell was located. And we became friends. I was so nervous — he was beautiful. A real boy-boy, if you know what I mean. From the Appalachian Mountains. Father was a sheriff! He was in jail for smuggling guns into Canada… Anyway, after about a month I told him I was gay. He just sort of rolled his eyes, saying “duh”. But later on we were in the mess hall and he was at another table and I saw him mouth the words “I love you” to me! I thought he must be kidding, of course. So I didn’t do anything about it. But the next day he said to me “Well? Do you?” I was kind of scared, thought maybe he was homophobic and trying 2 set me up. These things happen in jail. So I said I didn’t know what he was talking about. He said “Well, I’m not going 2 say it again until you do.” We went for a week back and forth like that. Until one day he sent me a note saying, “You know what the fuck I’m trying to say. Why are you making it so tough on me?” Just tell me you feel the same way and I’ll be happy.” Well, of course I did tell him. And we had a beautiful affair! He’d never been with a boy before. Told me he’d never even known he was gay until he met me, that I made him feel comfortable enough to be himself and he’d never experienced that before. (Lots of straight boys tell me that, BTW). He’s a real piece of work. We’ve been in contact through my mother ever since. He’s in another facility now, but he gets out around the same time I do. And he still says he wants to live with me and be my boyfriend when he gets out. This is 5 ½ years later so I think that’s one real relationship. Freez (my codefendant) would have to be my “best friend” or “confidant” in here. Even tho he’s in another facility as well. I’m hoping we’ll be together again as I’m supposed 2 be transferred from the facility I’m in now. I might go back where Freez is. That would really help. I don’t really connect with many people in here, as you can imagine. It’s nice 2 have someone else like me nearby. It’s weird. Usually when someone in here gives you support emotionally, it’s because he wants something! $, drugs, sex. So you have to becareful. And you have to be careful who you’re friendly with, too. The guys in here are very protective/possessive of gay men. If you are too friendly with the wrong inmate, another inmate will be upset, maybe even start a fight over you. They all want the attention of gay men. They actually fight over it!”
…ON GETTING OUT, EVENTUALLY
“The first thing I’ll do when I go home? Eat real food. Then have sex. With anybody. Everybody! After all, I’ll have 10 years to make up for! Well, that’s what I think I’ll do, anyway. What I fantasise about. Reality never lives up to fantasies, though. That’s why I’m a big advocate of never living out your fantasies. Sometimes the most exciting things in life are the things you never get to do.”
…ON HIS BOOK
“I guess my book will be out after the film. That way, if the film is way off track I’ll be able 2 address that in my book. I hope it’s as true-to- life as possible, tho. (Except, of course, when it comes to my wardrobe! I can’t believe some of the things I wore in public!!) Right now, I spend most — if not all — of my days writing my book Aligula, reading and answering mail. Which is okay, I guess. I love hearing from people. It makes me feel less alone. The food here is pretty bad. I’ve lost almost 40 pounds! I look kind of like a Holocaust survivor, I think. Sometimes I get pretty depressed. Lonely. Desperate for human affection. I cry a lot. That helps. But mostly I think I’m handling it all right. My book… I don’t think it’ll “shock” anyone. I mean, really, how could it after all that’s happened? We’re talking about people who watch other people drink their own pee for entertainment.. So, no, I don’t think it’ll be so “shocking”, but more of a “soulful bare-all”. It’s pretty painful to write, actually. I cry a lot when I’m writing it, just remembering it all, my mind looming with all the “what ifs” and “could’ve beens”. I’m afraid it may actually bore people, in fact, especially if those people are looking for new “shocks”. This is more a book of memories and ruminations. Not shocks. At least not that I see as shocking.”
…ON SEXUALITY
“How do I feel about being gay? Oh, just fine. How’s that? Full on enough?Sorry. That was supposed to be a joke but it didn’t come across very well on paper. You know, as a child I was always pretty miserable with the fact that I was gay. Not because I felt like there was anything wrong with being gay – on the contrary. Being gay forced me to see the world and how I fit into it in a whole other way. Made me more “aware”. Does that make any sense? What I mean is, because I was gay I felt “different” some how from the other kids. And feeling different forced me to try and figure out why and how I was different. This caused me to become more aware of the world around me and how I fit into it. That gave me, I believe, a distinct edge over other kids my age. That came out rather confusing, I think. What I’m trying to say is that I never saw being gay as a hindrance. Rather, I saw it as having a leg-up, in a way. I still do. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with straight people. And it would probably be easier to be not gay. But I’ve never been the type of person 2 go 4 the easiest way. Easiest isn’t necessarily always best. In fact, the hard way is most often the most rewarding in the end! In high school I almost had sex with a girl named Amy. But not because I wanted to. She suspected I was gay and had been put up to “seducing” me by a group of snooty cheerleaders. She was supposed to see how I’d react, then go back and report her findings. I failed the test miserably! The thing is, she was dating a very good friend of mine at the time and so I told her I couldn’t sleep with her because I didn’t want to hurt him. Ha! I just want to make it clear that I didn’t think it was “wrong” to be gay. The reason I didn’t tell her is because I lived in a very small town and went to a school that would not have taken kindly to the fact that I was gay. I was just scared of getting the shit kicked out of me, I guess! I’ve been in love with a girl, too. I was — and still am, in a way — in love with my friend Jennytalia, in 1992–3, Jenny was and still is my female “soul mate”, I suppose. A female version of me. Yes, I admit it! I’m a narcissist! [another smiley face] I suspect most gay boys fall in love with a girl at least once in their lives. Do I ever wish I weren’t into men, like being into women would be easier? Well, sometimes, when I’m hurt by someone I’m in love with. When I find myself hopelessly in love with a straight boy. But I always get over it. I like being gay! I do feel like being gay adds a creative dynamic to my life and career. I’ve always said my creative drive comes from my inability to fit into the world, it comes from not feeling comfortable with myself, with society. Great art comes from struggling!”
…ON IDEAL MEN, STRAIGHT BOYS AND HUSTLERS
“I realise that loving straight boys is cliché, but I can’t help it! Clichés are clichés for a reason, you know. I guess I love the challenge. The chase. Also, there’s something about the kid of bond created by a “straight” or closeted boy who’s dating a gay boy. Often the gay boy is the only person the straight boy can be himself in front of. I mean really be himself. Some of the strongest bonds I’ve ever experienced are bonds with straight boys. I’ve been told by so many — well, not so many, maybe 5 or 6, that I make them feel comfortable enough to be themselves, comfortable enough to with another boy and not feel wrong or bad. And I suppose it’s true. Nothing makes me happier that giving someone the opportunity to be themselves with no regrets or guilt. I’m addicted to that. A lot of people say that by loving straight boys I’m being self-loathing. And I suppose that is one way to look at it. But to me, it just makes sense. After all, I’m gay. I’m attracted to masculinity, to butchess. And gay boys don’t give that off. This is why I’m often attracted to hustlers. Because when you pay a boy to have sex with you, he isn’t satisfied. He has an “excuse” to have sex with another boy. Money. How many times have I fallen “in love” with hustlers!! I really do! And always I feel like it’s the first time, the only time. Like I’ve found “the one”. It’s heartbreaking, often. (Well it is for me, anyway!). Then again, often the best romances are my fantasy romances with straight boys. They’re the only kind of romance that’ll truly last forever, because I’ll never get to have them.”
…ON GETTING MEN IN THE SACK
“Problems getting guys? Well, I used to think I did. Looking back, I can see now that I got quite a few jewels! Seriously. Of course, being “King of the Club Kids” didn’t hurt. Lots of boys would sleep with me in order to have “juice” at the clubs. Then again, sometimes my role as Club Kid King hurt me more than helped. Ironically, some of the sexiest, straightest, most boyfriend-worthy boys were intimidated or just plain scared of me. Never thought seriously about dating me because I was “Michael Alig” King of the Club Kids! To them, I must’ve had a zillion boyfriends, or else a zillion tricks up my sleeve in order to get one. Promoters generally are a sleazy bunch, you know. They don’t have the best reputations! It’s a double-edged sword, I guess. The very power that helped me get boys sometimes hurt my chances on other occasions. Now, in prison, being openly gay definitely is a plus in the “getting boys dept.” It’s strange. You’d think that in a place like this, full of macho, trouble-making street thugs, homosexuality would be frowned upon — at the very least! But that’s not the case at all. As unbelievable as this may sound, being openly gay in prison can actually be a positive thing — there’s no stigma attached to being gay whatsoever. In fact, openly gay men are a commodity in here. The straightest, most macho types all want to “befriend” the openly gay inmates — of which there are very few – in order to reaffirm their own masculinity. In other words, the butch types all want an openly gay type as a sex partner. It seems they (the butch types) don’t want to meet another one of their own. They don’t crave company with other macho men. They crave the company of feminine, sensitive types. It’s almost.. no, it actually is.. romantic. The butch types actually court the girly boys. They buy them food and candy at the commissary, carry their packages for them, hold places in line for them at the mess hall. There are actually fights over the girly boys. You’ll have these big, burly muscle men pulling knives or razor blades over the girly boys. And this isn’t an isolated incident kind of thing, either. It’s quite common. So in jail I wouldn’t have trouble meeting or getting guys. Though, in jail I’ve only had sex twice in 6 years. Even in such a sex-friendly environment. A lot of my friends can’t believe it. They’re all like, “Oh my god, Michael! You’re crazy! I’d be fucking everyone in sight!” Honestly, though, I just don’t feel that way. Partly out of fear of AIDS, I guess. But also out of fear of drama. These guys aren’t your typical boy-next-door types. I wouldn’t want to get one of them mad at me. Or be the object of any jealous feud. About 4 and a half years ago, the last time I’ve had sex (god, I can hardly believe it’s been so long!), I was in just such a position. Two men — a beautiful Puerto Rican papi named Louie, and a sexy black body builder named Raekwon — were fighting over me — Like, I mean a real fight, using razor blades and everything. The whole ordeal scared me so much I haven’t put myself in such a position again. And I don’t see myself doing so anytime soon, either. This doesn’t mean I haven’t kissed anyone or fondled anyone in here, because I have. Everyone does that. It’s very loose in here in that regard. But the facility I’m in now is not loose this way. I’m in solitary confinement here. These stories are all taken from the previous facilities I’ve been in.. Most everyone “fools around” in that way. I hope I’m not giving the impression that I’m a slut — because I’m not. I’m just being honest about my feelings as a gay man locked up with thousands of other horny, under-sexed, mostly-straight men. A LOT of (probably the greater majority of) openly gay men in prison are total sluts, getting fucked by just about anyone and everyone. I’m much more relationship-minded. And that precludes just about everyone in jail. Except for Mike, the boy I told you about, there aren’t many prospects for real relationships in here! One thing, though. I do think most of my ability to meet boys in the street had to do with my position in clubland and less to do with my actual physical attributes. Clubland persona notwithstanding, I’m a very shy, insecure type who finds it difficult — if not impossible — to meet boys unless I am high or drunk or unless the other boy initiates the meeting. I’ll NEVER EVER EVER initiate a meeting or make a first move. EVER! I just can’t. Never could.”
…ON LOSING HIS VIRGINITY
“The first time I gave a blow job I was 14 and I was in a shopping mall in Chicago. I was actually cruising for an older man, looking to be picked up. I’d go to the mall sometimes with my mother and notice older men looking at me in a funny way — and I knew instinctively they were gay, trying to pick me up. This frightened me and excited me all at once. I mean, if they were looking at me like that, I must’ve been giving off some kind of “gay” signal. Did other people see it? Did my mother? Anyway, so one day I went to Chicago — about 2 hours away from home – in order to see if an older man would pick me up if I was alone. And one did! He was a lawyer named Rick, and he tool me to his car and I gave him my first blow job — I remember in the middle of sucking his dick he asked me “How old are you?” and I said “14”. I’ll never forget the look on his face when I said that. It was a combination of shock and oh-my-god- I-can’;t- wait-to- tell-my- friends! He came in my mouth — I didn’t like it at all. It made me nauseous to think about it for weeks — actually, afterwards I honestly thought I was “in love” with the guy. He gave me his number and I lost it on my way home! I was so upset! My only connection to the gay world! I was so upset and so “in love” with the guy that I looked in the phone book and copied down every lawyer I could find with the first name of Rick or first initial “R”, but I couldn’t find him. I was pretty crushed. That was my first “sex”. The first time I got fucked I was 18 and living in NYC. I didn’t know how to go about meeting boys, so I enlisted the help of two friendly lesbians at college. We made a pact: Wherever I’d see a boy I liked, they’d approach him for me. And whenever they saw a girl, I’d approach her for them. Well, we’d literally stand on a street corner or in the subways picking out potential partners — One day I saw this beautiful Puerto Rican who’d just jumped the turnstile in the subway and was being chased through the station by the transit police. We followed him into a subway train and my friends approached him and asked him if he wanted to meet me! I’m pretty sure that was the last thing he was expecting to hear these girls say — but he did come home with me! He was a beautiful homeboy with a sheepskin coat and one of those cute hats with muffles that come down over the ears. I took him home — his name was Julio — and he fucked me and came inside of me. His eyeballs rolled into the back of his head when he came! It was in 1984. And of course, I fell “in love” with him, he never called me again, and I was crushed, felt hurt and used.”
…ON HIS SEXUAL FANTASIES
“I’ve not lived out all my sexual fantasies. I’m not a big fan of living out your sexual fantasies. Not all of them, anyway. If you do that, what will you have left to fantasise about? Besides, it’s tough for a fantasy to live up to the hype. Often the fantasy of what it’ll be like is better than the reality of what it really is. And really, what could be more of a let down?”
…ON BEING IN LOVE
“Truly in love? Three times. I don’t want to name them by name, just out of respect. I mean, I’ve been almost in love with many, many boys. Or else I’ve been “in love” with boys for a week or a month. But I don’t think that’s what you meant. I’m taking your question to mean real, true, lasting love. And that’d be four times. I don’t feel comfortable saying the names of the boys, though. But you can probably figure one or two of them out! Ideally I’d prefer a monogamous relationship. I’m a hopeless romantic! I really am! I’m always searching, hoping to meet the final Mr Right who’ll take me into his arms and love me unconditionally for the rest of my life. I want to meet someone who is so madly in love with me that he wants to drop everything, give up his life just to be with me. I know that sounds selfish. And it probably is. I just feel entitled, like it’s every person’s God given right just to be loved by somebody. Really though, the older I get the more I realise that just isn’t true [inserts sad face] ! I think about sex quite a bit. But thinking and doing are two different things. Before I was arrested I had a problem with sex and intimacy — I equated sex with love, I’d “fall in love” with anyone I’d have sex with. But I’ve stopped having sex like that. I just can’t do it anymore, can’t handle the pain, the rejection. I’d meet someone, have sex, think we’d be relationship material, then never hear from them again. After each time I’d beat myself up wondering, “What did I do this time? Why did they leave me?” Then I’d feel hurt and abandoned. I hated it. I think I finally grew up — emotionally — when I came to prison. Till then I had a decidedly 8 th Grade approach to love and dating. God, it’s embarrassing, really, how naïve I was. Now my big fear is I’ll be too old to meet anyone when I go home, that I’ve missed my last few good dating years.”
…ON LOVING AND HATING JAMES ST. JAMES
“James….. It’s strange with him, this love/hate thing. I suppose on some level I knew when I first met him that we should or would become friends. There aren’t a lot of people like he and I. When we find others like us we just naturally gravitate towards each other. Part of the hatred – on both sides — was jealousy. I was jealous of James’ status in clubland, where he was jealous of my youthful good looks and sexy boyfriends! It’s true! James was a dog. Still is. Just a dog. I love him 2 death. Think the world of him. But he’s a dog, the poor thing. James’ book Disco Bloodbath… James exaggerates quite a bit when he writes. I’m not calling him a liar.. exactly. But he does like to stretch the truth a bit! It’s true, James was an early influence on the Club Kids. After all, he was one of the first club celebs I met in New York and I did gleam a bit from him. I think he’s brilliant and funny and everything. But yes, I do feel betrayed by him. He knows that. I think he tried 2 hard 2 be funny in his book and not hard enough 2 be honest and truthful and serious. The whole thing is like a joke to him, I think. Like I said, I love him 2 death. Haven’t got an unkind word 2 say about him. But he hasn’t seen the last of Michael Alig!! Wait until I’m home and have the chance 2 be fabulous again.. He’ll rue the day he ever badmouthed me in print! [inserts smiley face]”
…ON THE BOYFRIEND: SUPERSTAR DJ KEOKI
“Keoki and I, our relationship, was messed up. We were both selfish, stubborn, self-centred. And young. Neither of us knew how to love anyone in a healthy, non co-dependant way. It was pretty sad and pathetic, actually. I mean, we both loved each other deeply and passionately. But we were each so wrapped up in what we wanted, like a couple of spoiled 5 year olds. It was never, “what do you want”. It was always, “me! me! me! Drop everything you’re doing, stop all that has to do with you, and pay attention to me!” I know that sounds ugly and pathetic. But we did love each other, in our own immature, greedy, self- centred way. I still love and care for Keoki. I always will. I hope he is happy, that he finds contentment in his life. We’ve both grown and matured over the years. He’s no longer the way he was when we were together. Well, he’s not quite as bad! [smiley face] He’ll always be Keoki – a self centred ego-maniac. But a cuddly one! One that is capable of loving and caring about others. Seriously. I kid around about his egomania — and I can do that precisely because he’s gotten better about it. Besides, Keoki may have been an egomaniac but it was for all the “right” reasons. Not because he truly felt he was better than other people. Quite the contrary! Keoki acted the way he did because of his own reservations. Deep down, Keoki was and still is very self-conscious because he has a very low self-esteem. His egomania is a kind of defence mechanism in order to protect his true feelings. That’s why it’s possible to put up with or understand him. Does this make any sense? Today, Keoki has a boyfriend and is living with him in the Bronx. We were writing and very close up until about a year and a half ago — then suddenly he stopped. Suddenly, I’m reading in magazine interviews with Keoki where he seems to be trying to distance himself from me publicly, which I suppose I can understand, though it hurts tremendously. I read in Urb Magazine where Keoki said he hadn’t really been in love with me, that he “hardly knew me” even. That hurt! The following week I got a message from a mutual friend, from Keoki, telling me “not to believe anything I read in Urb Magazine.” So.. at least Keoki wants me to believe that he didn’t mean what he said.. That’s good, right? To tell you the truth, I don’t know what to believe. I do know that he couldn’t have possibly meant what he said. Maybe his record label is on his back, trying to have Keoki distance himself from me. We were both so young when we met. Only 19. And Keoki was so innocent and wide-eyed.. just a baggage claim boy working for TWA. It was the first time I had ever had a real and open relationship with anyone. We were, I suppose, the proverbial DJ/promoter duo.. of course, he wasn’t a very good DJ at first. Couldn’t mix. Had no records. But he was cute and had a “name” and personality, which, at the time, few other DJs had. Plus, naturally, he spun at all my parties, where the booze was free and the celebrities hung out. That helped, I’m sure, to make him a “Superstar DJ”. But it wasn’t easy for us. As I said, we were both so young. Selfish. Not used to or prepared for what was happening in our lives… It’s sad, really, the way things turned out.”
…ON THE ALIGS
“She is/was upset by what she saw as trouble for me growing up in Indiana — being beaten up by kids in school, that kind of thing. But in fact it was my mother who taught me that it’s better to be different, to go against the grain. My mother came to the US from Germany. She has a completely different viewpoint on what it means to be free, to live your life the way you want to, than typical Americans. When I was a kid, mom dated a black man in South Bend, Indiana, a town — or at least a neighbourhood — with very few black people. I was only 8 or 9, and we (our family) caught a lot of flack because of him. People called us “nigger lovers!” Can you believe it? It’s like a Jerry Springer episode! But their ignorance taught me something. And so did my mother: Even if everyone else tells you you’re wrong, if you know in your heart that you’re right, then fuck everyone else and go for it. My mother never once felt disappointed or hurt or anything because I was gay. She loved me even more, I think, because I was different. That’s what she’s always told me, anyway. Her only misgivings or concerns were how it might be for me having to grow up gay in a town like South Bend. My brother David is in the Navy in San Diego. He’s really nothing like me – he’s quiet, married, has a daughter. We were always close, but since the arrest I do believe we’ve become even more close. As a child we were so very “typical Indiana”. We’d build forts in the cornfields surrounding our house, or in the trees in the woods behind the cornfields. David was a kind of sports legend in school, he won lots of trophies and medals and awards. Set records in track and field. He tried to take me under his wing, help me “fit in” by teaching me sports, etc. But it just didn’t sink in with me. In 7 th grade I did try out for track — David had tried so hard to teach me how to run and jump and do other “track” things. He’d had his heart set on having a “protégé”. And I did do well — I came in 6 th place in the 200 yard dash State Finals! I still can’t believe that. And I didn’t even try! But it just wasn’t me. I didn’t go out for track — or any other sport — ever again. David is very supportive, though. A very good, caring brother. I love him a lot.”
…ON DRUG-OVERDOSING CLUB KIDS
“Almost every month I hear word of another friend whose died of an overdose. Last month it was my friend Page Reynolds. It’s pretty sad. More than sad, really. It’s a tragedy. I’m up all night thinking about it, rehashing in my mind over and over the things I should’ve done differently or not at all. It’s torture!”
…ON DRUGS AND THINGS THAT GO ‘BUMP’ IN THE NIGHT
“What would I never do again? Probably heroin. It was my — and lots of my friends’ — downfall, ultimately. It’s destroyed so many of my friend’s lives. In fact, it’s what started the whole decline of the Club Kids. This is also the thing I’m most ashamed of. I feel like I’ve lead people down the wrong path. I mean, I realise that people have their own wills and everything, but the Club Kids really were role models in a way. And we didn’t always set the best example! In fact, I feel bad even about the way the Satori website (www.michael aligclubkids.com) seems 2 be glorifying drugs with the design of the site. I’ve written to them and asked them to change it but they haven’t responded. I asked them 2 remove the drug references and images. I just think it’s all so ’90s and it’s just not the image I want to portray. Unfortunately it isn’t my site, so I can’t do much about it but complain. In fact, I never even wrote the stuff they’re attributing to me on the site, like the “Hello, this is Michael Alig” stuff. I didn’t say/write it! I feel kind of used, actually, It looks like I’m endorsing the site. And their CD. I think I’ll write to David L (the one who runs the site) again. I’m ashamed that I turned out to be such a rotten role-model. Much, much more ashamed about that than using heroin, although the two are related, at least partially, to what happened with Angel. I wouldn’t say Rohypnol, coke and ecstasy are harmless, but I don’t think they’re any more harmful than alcohol. There is an absolute distinction between these drugs and heroin, because heroin is physically addictive. You not only want it, you need it, literally, to function. Those other drugs – well, I know I’ve no right telling anyone else what to do, especially after the mess I’ve made of my own life and the trouble and pain and suffering I’ve brought to other’s lives — but I do think everyone needs to decide for themselves and if people are educated properly they can decide. Obviously some people can use drugs and not become addicted. Millions of people do drugs and experience nothing worse than a hangover. While others, obviously, can’t use drugs. My problem with drugs came about because of my excessive neediness, my insatiable appetite for more and more stimulation and excitement. It was also, for me anyway, an escape thing. To me, the definition of “depression” is being too aware, seeing the world too clearly. Drugs, of course, allow you to protect yourself, see the world through rose-coloured lenses. I know that’s a pathetic way to view things, but it’s true, at least for me. Ignorance, as they say, truly is bliss. I don’t know if I’ve told you or not but I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder when I was 15 or 16, and so for me drugs were a way of “evening” myself out, balancing myself. Of course, I enjoyed the “manic” side. I didn’t want to lose that. It was the down, the “depressive” side I was always running away from, trying to cover or “fix”. Does that make sense to you? Maybe “fix” is a bad word. Because I didn’t want to be “fixed”. My creative drive came partially from not fitting in, not feeling comfortable with myself or society, and I didn’t want to lose that. Not entirely. I do think the club kid scene would’ve been able to thrive without drugs! We did thrive for 5 years without using drugs heavily. Remember, I was drug free for, like, the first 4 or 5 years. I didn’t begin using drugs really until like 92 or 93. Before that I was almost anti-drug. And those non-drug-using years were when I was accomplishing the most, setting the stage for my later successes. Drugs were our downfall, not something that helped us! The thing I like most about getting high — well, aside from the whole “escapist” thing, I’d have to say it’s the way drugs allow you to open up, share yourself, bond with friends. When a group of people get high together there’s a commonality. It’s like the feeling a group of people get when they get stoned on pot together. It’s a bonding, group thing. Intimate and uninhibited. A secure, comfortable-in- your-own- skin kind of feeling that, unfortunately for me, only really comes from being on drugs.”
…ON MUSIC
“Heart of Glass was one of my favourites because I was so attracted to Deborah Harry. She was one of my first fag hags, I guess, even if I didn’t know her at the time. Seeing her on TV in ’82 while I was in Indiana, she was so fabulous, and not in that sickeningly-feminine way I find so smothering in a lot of other women. Plus I loved the idea of mixing punk and disco, which is what Heart of Glass did. I get to listen to some music where I am, only radio music, nothing cool or meaningful. We get one local radio station that plays lots of Eminem and oh, I don’t know, Missy Elliot, I guess. I never really listen to it. Music became really important to the Club Kids when acid house first hit NYC in ’88. When I first heard it I knew it would be “ours”. I wanted to adopt acid house and make it the Club Kid music of choice. At the time, the old guard was all into house and disco and I felt this was the next thing, the thing that’d differentiate us, make us stand out. Then, of course, Keoki started playing acid house at all my parties and at the time he was the only DJ in NYC to do this. It cleared the dancefloor… at first. Keoki wanted to stop playing it, but I wouldn’t let him. I knew it would catch on eventually, we just had to let it build, let it develop. We did all the talk shows, etc. We were the ones who brought acid house — and, unfortunately and regrettably, the whole ecstasy thing — to the media. But I thought it was important to let the public see the connection: Club Kids = Acid House. I think it’s imperative that a new scene has its own definitive music. Like punk had, new romantics, etc. Although the Club Kids were different, in a way, because the whole CK thing was meant to be more fluid and not be tied down to any one thing. We were supposed to be the conduits of what was hot and coming out of clubland at any given moment. And, for a while, that was acid house.”
Angel Melendez
…ON KILLING ANGEL
“I’m not blaming drugs, of course, but let’s face it, if the 4 of us hadn’t been so high the whole fight wouldn’t have happened in the first place. We were arguing about an outfit! I mean, come on! This is not something 4 sober adults would’ve allowed to escalate into what it did. None of this means I’m not sorry 4 what happened, though. I think unless you were there, though, at the time, and could’ve seen and understood the way it all came about, it’s wrong for people to make judgements and say, “Well, I think they should’ve done it this way or that way.” When you’re high and something like that just happens suddenly and you’re not expecting it, you don’t know how to react, what to do. A lot of people mistakenly think it was me who hit Angel in the head, you know, and it wasn’t. By the time I got involved on that level it had already escalated to the point of madness. I’m not saying that Freez meant to kill Angel when he hit him, because I don’t believe he did. He didn’t hit him very hard — didn’t even break the skin — and didn’t even use the iron part of the hammer. He hit him with the handle, you know. So it wasn’t this manic, wilding bloodfest people think it was. It wasn’t anything like the way it was depicted in the dramatisation in Party Monster. It just wasn’t like that at all. The point I’m trying to make is that to me “ashamed” describes the way I’d feel after doing something consciously that I knew I wasn’t supposed to do. The thing with Angel was just so spontaneous, more like a reflex- action, really, and without any pre-emptive thought whatsoever. So “ashamed” isn’t the word I’d use to describe the way I feel about it. “Regret” would be a better word, even “sorrow”. I know there’s a lot of talk about how we didn’t like Angel, and some of that did come from us ourselves, but it wasn’t serious, really. If we didn’t really like him, or, rather, if we really disliked him we wouldn’t have said so. That may sound backwards initially but really it’s in keeping with the way we acted, the way we did things, our sense of humour. We had a very twisted, dark sense of what was “funny”, but that isn’t to say we didn’t have true feelings or were superficial, because we all “got” the joke, including Angel. What I mean by “the joke” is the whole notion of fabulosity, of one person being “better” or “more deserving” than another.”
…ON HITTING ‘ROCK’ BOTTOM (PUN INTENDED)
“When I reached my nadir, when I realised I’d hit rock bottom, I was living in a friend’s living room, jobless, homeless, a junkie. And it depressed me so much… that I felt I had to continue getting high in order to escape from that realisation. It was as though I’d fell so hard, or was falling so quickly that I just decided the easiest thing to do would be to just let myself fall. By then I just couldn’t see getting myself out of the hole I was in. I did think I’d die. I didn’t feel “normal” for months after being sober. Maybe even years. And it was a gradual thing, not a sudden jolt. I began to notice small things, emotions, physical feeling, smell, that kind of thing, returning to me over time. But it took almost two years, I’d say.”
…ON A CHANGED WORLD
“I worry ALL THE TIME about the world “changing” while I’m in here. I obsess over it on a daily basis. It consumes me. I lie in bed at night and think about it and I get these anxiety attacks, I cry a lot, which helps. Change has always frightened me, though. I’m the kind of person who wants everything to stay the same way forever. I don’t want the forests in back of my house in Indiana to be cut down. I don’t want the old theatres in my hometown to close. Ever. I never want to age or grow up. I’ve always been that way. I know it doesn’t go very well with my whole Club Kid concept, which is all about change, but that’s the whole purpose of what I was doing — to confront my fear of change by devising a lifestyle that demanded change constantly in order to thrive. In a way, it makes sense.”
…ON THROWING AN END OF THE WORLD PARTY
“I guess I’m just not in a very “party” frame of mind. The whole world has changed, it seems, in the past few years, and suddenly going out and dressing up seems a little.. well, dated, I guess. I mean, how can you go out or even think of going out when Manhattan could be nuked at any minute? It scares me! What really scares me, though, is I don’t see an end to it. I hope something will change that. A miracle of some kind. But I don’t see it happening. Maybe that’s the party I’d throw: An end-of-the-world party. I guess that’d have to be the biggest one yet, right?”
Michael Alig was released from jail in 2014 and died from an accidental heroin overdose on December 24, 2020. He was 54 years old.
