One of the more common things couples and relationships bring into therapy is also one of the hardest to talk about: “I want sex more than they do”. Mismatched sexual desire is incredibly common in relationships. In fact, expecting two (or more) people to consistently want sex at exactly the same time, frequency and intensity is probably a little optimistic. We don’t expect our partners to be hungry when we’re hungry, tired when we’re tired, or desperate to watch another episode of Golden Girls when we’re ready for bed. Yet somehow with sex, a difference in appetite can become deeply personal.
And that’s where things get interesting. Often, the difficulty isn’t simply how much sex we are having. It’s what sex, and the absence of it, has subconsciously come to mean to us. For the partner wanting more sex, rejection can begin to feel like something much bigger. “I’m not attractive anymore. You don’t desire me. Perhaps you don’t love me. Maybe someone else would.”
For the partner wanting less, sex can gradually become associated with pressure, expectation or guilt. Affection itself can become complicated. If I cuddle them, will they think I’m initiating sex? If I say no again, will they be upset? Am I disappointing them? Is something wrong with me? This can lead to a complete withdrawal of any intimacy. Think hugs, hands, leaning on each other. Otherwise the topic can become the elephant in the room. Suddenly, people who probably both want intimacy can find themselves protecting themselves from each other.
The Pursue and Retreat Dance
From a psychodynamic perspective, mismatched desire can stir up much older emotional experiences. Rejection may touch feelings of inadequacy, abandonment or not being chosen. This can feel particularly loaded for LGBTIQA+ folk who may have already had plenty of experience feeling rejected, unwanted or somehow ‘wrong’ because of who they are. Feeling pursued may awaken experiences of having to please others, difficulty maintaining boundaries or feeling responsible for somebody else’s emotional wellbeing.
A frustrating cycle can develop. The more one person seeks reassurance through sex, the more pressured the other might feel. The more they retreat, the more rejected their partner feels, who then may pursue harder. Which doesn’t sound very arousing to me. Nobody necessarily created the problem, yet both can accidentally keep it going.
Having a Different Conversation
Perhaps the first strategy is to stop making the conversation exclusively about frequency. Instead of “Why don’t we have sex anymore?”, try exploring what is happening underneath it.
“What does sex give you emotionally?”
“What happens inside you when I initiate?”
“What does it feel like when I say no?”
“When do you feel most desired by me?”
“What helps you actually feel sexual?”
Sometimes those questions get us somewhere much more useful than another argument about how often we’re having sex.
It’s also worth remembering that desire doesn’t always arrive spontaneously. For many people, particularly in longer relationships, desire can be responsive, emerging after affection, relaxation, flirting, touch or emotional connection has already begun. And sometimes there isn’t a great psychological mystery to solve. We’re stressed, annoyed with each other, tired, distracted or simply not feeling particularly sexual.
Couples and relationships can also benefit from expanding their definition of intimacy. Touch doesn’t always need to become sex. A kiss doesn’t have to mean ‘game on’. Creating affection that genuinely has no expectation attached can sometimes make sexual connection feel safer again.
Most importantly, try not to turn desire into evidence of love. Also watch out for the line: ‘I have needs.’ I sometimes wonder whether ‘desires’ would be a more useful word. Calling ‘sex’ a ‘need’ can unintentionally turn our partner into the person responsible for meeting it. Desire leaves a little more room for people to negotiate.
The goal isn’t necessarily to make libidos perfectly match. Perhaps it’s learning how to talk about sex, rejection, wanting and not wanting without either person becoming the problem. Sometimes the most intimate conversation about sex is the one where nobody is trying to convince the other person to have it.
Andrew Macdonald is a Clinical Psychotherapist at Jefferson Place, providing therapy to individuals and couples across Australia www.jeffersonplace.com.au
