“Narcissist!” It’s become one of the most common words I hear in my clinic, often whispered after heartbreak or shouted in group chats. Someone ghosts after an intense connection? “Total narcissist.” A lover is emotionally distant: “Classic narcissist.” Somewhere along the way, a complex psychological diagnosis became shorthand for anyone who hurt me.
As a psychotherapist working within many communities, I understand the appeal. Many of us carry histories of rejection, invisibility or conditional love. When we meet someone who mirrors our wounds, charming, magnetic but ultimately self-focused, it can reopen old injuries. Using the term ‘narcissist’ feels protective, a way of reclaiming power and naming harm. But when overused or misapplied, it risks shutting down curiosity, compassion and growth, both for others and for ourselves.
True Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) remains rare, affecting roughly one percent of the population. Yet within queer discourse, the term has become cultural currency; a quick way to make sense of relational chaos. But not everyone with narcissistic traits has NPD and not everyone who struggles with empathy is cruel. Often, people we call ‘narcissists’ are managing their own deep shame or trauma. Narcissism, at its core, is not an excess of self-love; it might in fact be a deficit of self-worth wrapped in performance.
In therapy, I see how overusing the word ‘narcissist’ can stop the real work from happening. Instead of exploring patterns of attraction, boundaries or attachment, clients can get stuck in diagnosis. The label becomes a wall when what’s needed is curiosity: Why did this dynamic feel familiar? What part of me is still longing to be seen?
In dealing with someone who is displaying narcissistic traits, there’s a few things that may help. Manage your boundaries, eg: “I am not willing to keep discussing this if I am going to be interrupted” and be consistent in your responses, keeping an eye on your self-esteem and self-worth. Ask yourself, “Am I shrinking to keep the peace?” or “Have I stopped expressing what I need?”
Healing in relationships begins when we trade judgment for depth. We can hold people accountable without stripping them of complexity. Because beneath every label of “narcissist,” “victim” and “empath” simply are just humans, each carrying the scars of wanting to be loved as well as the fear of being unseen.
Andrew Macdonald is a clinical psychotherapist at www.jeffersonplace.com.au
